FTWM or SAHM?

I have been a SAHM for almost 6 months. Well, the initial plan was to be a short-term stay home mum till my mum's eyesight get better. My mum still have to go back for scheduled follow ups and it seems that her eye requires another surgery in Sept/Oct. Nonetheless, during this period, I have also discovered that my mum is no longer able to keep up with looking after an active toddler. Or maybe Jayven is really just too much to handle as compared to Janelle when she was at his age.

So what's the next step? To place Jayven in a childcare centre? Or to continue as a SAHM? Frankly we have placed him in waiting list in the childcare centre at the next block since early last year. But we were told that it is full till next year. Anyway, I have my reservations about placing the boy in childcare centre now as he is always getting into mischief and he needs to be looked after 1-on-1 and not in a group of 4 or more (he often trips and fall and end up with bumps & bruises).

On the other hand, Janelle has been showing signs of rejecting school by kicking a big fuss before we finally get her dressed for school or she will refuse to enter school premises at the door. Also, she has been demanding alot of attention from me lately. Hence we concluded that it could be that she is in school for longer hours than she is at home and she may be feeling insecure / sad about it. So we decided to enrol her for half day instead of full day, starting K1 next year. Does this mean that I have to continue to be stay home mum? I can't possibly get my mum to look after 2 kids and getting a helper is out of the question as my hubs and I were never for that idea.

Well, the role as a mum is really not easy regardless it is a FTWM or SAHM. To be honest, I missed working 1-2 months later after taking on the role as stay home mum. My kids can drive me crazy and the house requires constant cleaning and tidying since my kids (esp my boy) are so good in messing up the place and I cannot even go to the toilet in peace!

Then I realised:

I miss working as it gives me financial independence (I have to cut down on spa and impulse purchases)
I miss having lunches with my colleagues (and gossiping!)
I miss having the excuses to buy clothes, shoes, bags, cosmetic and skincare products as i needed to dress up and look good for wor
I miss having adult conversations and meeting people

When I was a FTWM, I have to admit that I do feel a great sense of achievement as I have a career and a family of my own (& a proud mummy of 2!). Then the greatest challenge came, which was balancing between work and family. And it posed as a greater challenge when my employer was not understanding towards employees with young children ("Why do you need to take CL?" "You need to have better support in your home." "This is very distracting to your work" etc etc).

But as a mum, I WANT to be there for my kids when they need me most. Since it was such a struggle trying to be a good mum and a good employee (the employer will never appreciate our work and effort as all they can remember is we took leave to attend to our needy kids. If we get someone else to attend to the sick or needy kids, we ended up not being able to focus at work and yet feel guilty about not being a good mum), I decided to stay home and care for our kids with the support from my hubs while my mum underwent surgery and recuperate at home.

Having been a SAHM for almost half a year, I would like to emphasize that it is such a great joy to be with my kids 24/7:

I get to witness their development milestones
I get to record happy, funny and memorable moments (I will take photos / videos to share with my hubs so that he will not miss out)
I get to watch them play together, argue together and fight together (it is pretty funny to see how they argue esp when my boy is not even able to form a sentence yet)
I get to shower them everyday and have fun splashing together
I get to send my firstborn to school every morning and fetch her from school every day 
I get to spot any undesirable behaviour immediately and guide them well
I get to be with them when they are sick and I can nurse them back to health
I get to comfort my firstborn when she is feeling upset or unhappy
I get to receive random hugs, cuddles and kisses from them everyday
I get to hear "Mummy, I love you" randomly from my firstborn everyday
I get to act silly and crazy with them (that is a very good stress reliever!)
I get to carry my secondborn and dance with him to the melody from the tv shows
I get to sing and dance with my firstborn around the house
I get to do activities with my firstborn (and I know she want me to because she values my presence)
I get to cook for the family and ensure that they are eating right and well
I get to bond with them, strengthen our relationship and let them know that I will always be there to protect them

I'm really grateful that I have the opportunity to take on the full responsibility to care for my kids personally. Afterall, the best candidate to look after the children is usually the mother. As a mum, I want my kids to grow up healthy in a happy environment with lots of love, hugs, cuddles and kisses.

So will I consider returning to work? I wouldn't say no but I am happy & contented with the current situation. I know that my kids need me more now in their growing years. Furthermore, my hubs is holding on to the fort pretty well and is not urging me to return to work. So I guess I will continue to be a happy stay home mum till who knows when :)